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Letter from the Tape Manager at St. Helen's Church, Bishopsgate
Dear Fellow-Passenger
If the railways insist on calling their passengers 'customers', it is only right and proper that we should redress the balance by addressing our customers as 'passengers'.
We hope that you will welcome this new development.
Of course, it may have been the Trades Descriptions Act that forced the railways to adopt the new appellation. After all, 'passenger' implies that one actually gets somewhere; 'customer' merely acknowledges that money changes hands.
We ought to be pleased at this outbreak of honesty in the field of public locomotion. And for pilgrims on their way to 'that fair land where the soul never dies' - and not under their own steam - 'passenger' would seem to be a laudably apposite nomenclature. While we're on the subject of transport, you will all be aware that tapes are brilliant for making good use of dead time - you can listen to tapes while you're doing jobs that require no concentration, such as driving.
The devil has obviously cottoned onto this and has lately inspired the production of numerous new vehicles that play CDs but don't play tapes. Various people have commented on this sorry state of affairs and I feel it my duty to make a public response in the face of this automotive outrage. Here are some handy tips:
1. Never, never buy a car that plays CD's and not tapes. Such odious contraptions must be treated with the contempt they deserve. 'Ah', you say, 'but in my case that's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. What can I do?'. The answer is simple - see tip (2).
2. If you have a car that plays CD's and no tapes, then you must seize the bull by the horns, cut your losses, and scrap the brute. That's what scrap-yards are for. Don't try to palm it off on some poor unsuspecting reader of Exchange & Mart. It just ain't Christian.
3. 'But I want to play CD's sometimes', you protest. Well lots of people want to do things they're not supposed to do and that's when you need to exercise a bit of self-control. However, if you really must play CD's in your car then get a car that plays tapes as well. Or a player that plays tapes as well. Or - and this is a much better solution - buy a converter kit that allows you to plug a personal CD player (I think they call them Diskmans rather than Walkmans, but sooner or later the squawking ideologues of political correctness and the war-mongering fluffy bunny brigade will object and they'll have to be renamed Diskpersons or Diskorganisms and Walkorganisms) into the tape player of your car stereo.
4. The other thing you can do is to use a Walkman in your car.
Surf safely
Some Christians have got together to produce a dedicated Internet filtering system which will block out some 9 million inappropriate web sites around the world. The company, surfonthesafeside.com, hopes that with the backing of 50,000 Christians subscribing £2 a month to the web site, it will be possible to encourage homes, schools and workplaces, to use the Internet filter to protect children and employees from surfing too far. Visit their site at http://www.surfonthesafeside.com/
FUNNY ISN'T IT?
Funny how a $100 "looks" so big when you take it to church,
but so small when you take it to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour,
but how quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are,
but how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how we can't think of anything to say when we pray,
but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a friend.
Funny how we get thrilled when a baseball game goes into extra innings,
but we complain when a sermon is longer than the regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the Bible,
but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or concert,
but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how we need notice to fit a church event into our schedule,
but can adjust our schedule for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel well enough to tell others,
but how simple it is for the same people to understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how we believe what the newspapers say,
but question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven
- provided they do not have to believe, or think, or say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire,
but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
FUNNY, ISN'T IT ?Are you laughing? Are you thinking?
Spread the Word and give thanks to the Lord, For He is good!
Funny isn't it when you go to forward this message how many on your list are not receiving it because you're not sure they believe in anything?
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